Everything I ever wanted!

Amazing how we can sometimes have these revelations. I was talking with my mom yesterday and she so pleasantly reminded me that my birthday is coming up this week by asking me what I wanted. My answer-- "Nothing." I honestly don't need a thing. I literally have everything I have ever wanted. I have a wonderful husband who I couldn't imagine a minute of my life without, a baby boy that I have prayed and prayed for for so many years, the greatest family ever (all of them!), friends that mean the world to me and furbabies that make me laugh and smile every single day. I have great health, we live comfortably and we are both employed with good jobs! How could I ask for anything? I truly am so blessed!

While I hate dwelling on the past, I think I need to mark how far 1 year has taken me. I just looked back at my old blog. My blog that I started while we were going through our fertility treatments. I happen to post on September 29, 2008. Wow- I was not in a good place. Here is what I wrote:
Post Title: Empty and Angry
"This is going to be an emotional post-- so Mom-- if you are at work--stop reading.

A year has gone by. 1 year. I posted a message on my support message board a year ago about how upset I was that I was turning 30 and still not pregnant. Here we are. "Celebrating" a birthday this week... still not pregnant. I feel like it is hitting me hard.

I am starting to get angry with myself, because my anger about all of this and my negative feeling about all of this are becoming uncontrollable. Uncontrollable in a sense of-- I am overly emotional at every pregnancy story line on EVERY show I watch, I have a pissy attitude towards the "It's a Boy!" balloons attached to our new neighbors mailbox and I cant help but having a sinking feeling in my stomach and in my heart when I see newborn babies. I worry daily about having a break down when seeing my neighbor-- who successfully got pregnant the same month we did our IVF. S & J know that I am OVER the moon excited for them-- I am just terrified that at some point my emotions are not going to be able to handle it. I know S knows this and she has been very sensitive to me. It makes me sad though, I feel like I am not being the friend to her-- that I should be...that I want to be. Am I going to have to go through the rest of my life feeling like this?

I no longer know to deal with all this crap gracefully. I just don't know how to do it. I feel like everyday I am dealing with trying to come to terms with the idea that I may never have it (the opportunity to be a mom, "the moments" of a BFP, hearing my baby cry for the first time, that sense of unconditional love, etc). I have to sit back and watch everyone else earn it no problem, but Gary and I may never have it. It breaks my heart. Why not us?"

Wow- talk about emotional. I was a mess. I truly felt I would never be able to feel how I feel today. God that makes me sad. To think I walked around with these feelings of doubt and despare. Again... I am so blessed to have everything I have ever wanted!

Our baby boy is doing great! He is a little kicking machine. Some days more than others, but let me tell you, when he gets going-- watch out! There is nothing more amazing that feeling those kicks. I could just sit all day and feel him. Complete awe. Makes me so excited to meet him. I know he is going to be here before I know it and I should really wish this time would slow down, but really, I would love for it to be December already. I cant wait to look in our baby's eyes for the first time. I cant wait to watch Gary hold his son for the first time. Those moments will be the most precious.

I haven't taken a belly shot since early last week. We have a going away party to go to tonight, so I will have Gary take a picture when I am showered and presentable. I will post tomorrow!